I am complicated, simple, and sometimes not willing to listen.
I am stubborn and patient, bitchy and kind.
I sometimes post pictures. Be annoyed not, for I don't think much of myself.
I rant and i complain in almost every entry, so if you're not willing to read, don't even bother clicking.
That is all.

 

I know you guys think he's ugly, but in Vanity Fair, he actually looks quite pretty. Like an Edward.


<3

i don't know if you guys have been keeping track (like i am, checking every day. ha ha.) but Bella and Edward have already been cast for the Twilight movie.

Mhmm.

Kristen Stewart as Bella:


And Robert Pattinson (whom i hear is "Cedric" from Harry Potter) as Edward:


That's all.

<3

What do you think?

"There's a difference between letting go, and pretending like you've forgotten. "

Tonight was one of those nights. The kind where it's beautiful and the air sinks deep into your lungs, but not enough to fill the emptiness.  It was one of those nights where everything kind of just hit me. Those 8th grade moments...those high school days.  It was one of those feelings, the kind that remind you that not only are you alive, but you're alone as well.  Jeremy was sitting next to me, busy on the phone, and i looked around me...and i felt...so void.  Empty. Things were starting to shift in my head, reality once again forming a picture, clear as day, dreary as night.  i'm done with the wishing. i'm done with the wanting. None of it is going to bring us back together again.  i know i'm making it sound like a relationship rather than friendships....but a girl can't survive in this world without any friends to hold her hand. To listen to her rantings, and understand why some moments and some words mean a lot. I know it's over. I know it's gone. But i can't help but feel that this is it for me and friendships.  You listened to all my stupid little problems, all my complaining, all my idiotic views on the world that i wanted to find beauty in. 

I need that. It's the one thing that's missing in my life.

But my personality won't let me budge from this cage stuck in the past.  I'll just keep sinking into a blankness where no one but Jeremy can reach me. 

And when someone does, i'll be so far out of existence that they will immediately give up on me.

It's a cycle that will always repeat itself.

I know you're thinking i could fix it. I know you're thinking it's that easy.

But the silence is my comfort, the one place in the world where i cannot be rejected.

And I will live in that safety house for as long as I can.

(or until i am kidnapped from it.)

<3

Fun fun fun.



And then we were modeling...

  How beautiful is he?



He wanted it to look like we were lying on a brick floor.






This is Happiness.

This is it.

I dyed my hair.



And I also cut it, but that's another post.

Oh, and i leave in 8 days.

So call me or see me if you want, cause after that I'll be on my way.

<3

(Live everyday like a story, a page from a book. Believe you are beautiful. The world is yours to make or break.)

Good Enough

It seems the more we talk
The less I have to say
Let's put our differences aside
I wanted to make you proud
But I just got In your way
I found a place that I can hide

Now everything Is changing
But I still feel the same
Are we running out of time

What do I have to do
To try and make you see
That this Is who I am
And It's all that I can be

I tried to find myself
Looking Inside your eyes
You were all that I wanted to be
There must be something else
Behind all the lies
That you wanted me to believe

Now everyone Is saying
That I should find a way
To leave It all behind

What do I have to do
To try and make you see
That this Is who I am
And It's all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try and make you see
Trying to be like you
Isn't good enough for me

And I won't let you go
And I won't let you down
I won't give you up
Don't you give up on me now

What do I have to do
To try and make you see
That this Is who I am
And It's all that I can be

What do I have to do
To try and make you see
Trying to be like you
Isn't good enough for me

I've been in a bad mood lately, the kind that is on the verge of a breakdown in tears or screaming. It's only been a week of it, and already it seems to be getting worse. It's funny how it starts off so innocent, so small, only to expand with each day, threatening to tear me apart. I wanted to cry in the morning. I wanted to punch someone in the face and call them every single insult in the book. I wanted to rest, but you wouldn't let me. And in that moment, I hated you for it. 
I'm sad, with no real reason.
I'm mad, with no real cause.
And the memories of you are not as wonderful as the ones you made without me.
And each one is like a stab to my heart.  A tear in the little strings that remain between us.
And it's starting to hurt now.
And it's starting to burn.
And I don't feel like trying, though I know it's my turn to do so.
And I don't feel like talking because you don't listen to me anyway.
And looking at you only reminds me of the fact that i'm not there.
And I know I'm difficult.
And I know I'm often wrong.
And I know that I annoy you more often than I make you smile.
But I wish you'd just try to understand where I'm coming from.
Hardly any of you do.
Your reactions to my words always make me look bad. Always leave me feeling betrayed, like it's wrong to feel the way I do. 
Like it's wrong to think about things and what they really mean.
I wish you could see it from my side.
I wish you could see how it all looks through my eyes.
The laughter.
The bonding.
The "sweetheart" and "honey", and "Iloveyouuu".
It's something we never had.
It's something we never will.
And that just makes me feel insufficient and incomplete.
That just makes me think of what my existence really meant in your life.
The lack of impact on it.
The imprint it didn't bother to leave behind.
And I feel like I shouldn't even bother.
Though I want you to tell me to.
And I feel like I should just let you go.
Though I want you to fight for me.
But you've done that enough, haven't you?
And I don't understand why you don't just talk to me.
And I don't understand why you don't bother replying to my responses, when i'm attempting to fix things and being nice and optimistic.
And I don't understand why you didn't talk to me the second I didn't talk to you.
And i don't understand why I was the one that had to talk to you to get your attention away from the people that are now your best friends.
And I don't understand how you could replace me so easily with them, when you said I meant a lot.
And i don't understand why it's hard for you to show it.
And i don't understand why you even care about someone who just hurt you.
And i don't understand why you still think i'm in your life when you don't even include me in it.
And I don't understand why you could just take both of them away from me.
And I don't understand how you don't even try to understand why I feel the way I do.

But's it all going to be over soon enough anyway.
Everything will fade.
Everyone will disappear.
I will be just a regretted memory in your sea of stored away people who let you down.
I will be the disappointment.

You'll leave me so far behind, you won't even remember my name. 

9-29-04

"There once was a girl that roamed the streets alone.  She walked in black, only a crimson jewel at her neck.  She always passed by my window and looked in.  I was never sleeping, always awaiting her presence.  One night, when the sky was gray and rain touched the ground, I sneaked outside and stood awaiting.  She never came.  The next day, I sat by my window, drawing the black and white colors of my mind and she didn't come.  Weeks passed and I never saw her...but the bags under my eyes spoke of sleepless nights and I was drained.  So I finally slept.  
There once was a girl that roamed the streets alone.  She shed her pain, and walked in pure white, wings sprouting to the stars.  She stopped by my window and whispered in,"Nightmares are gone if you live in dreams."